


Present And Accounted For

by DragonWannabe



Series: Jötunn Loki [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Marvel) - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Imprisonment, Internalized racism, Intersex Loki, Jötunn Loki, Loki centric, Menstrual Cycles, Other, Racism, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, The notes explain a lot of stuff that really need to be mentioned, Unhealthy Relationships, Yeah there's internalized racism and also people are really racist towards Frost Giants, but isn't worth tagging, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-03
Packaged: 2018-02-27 22:57:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2709752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonWannabe/pseuds/DragonWannabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had to return to Asgard eventually.</p><p>So Thor took him back.</p><p>OR:</p><p>Loki did his time for leading an invasion against Midgard, now he has to pay for treason.</p><p>ALSO KNOWN AS:</p><p>I (and therefore Odin) accidentally forgot that Loki tried to kill Thor, and thus Asgard doesn't want to kill him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Present And Accounted For

**Author's Note:**

> The end notes explain the things in the story that may be squicky to some people that are contained within this story.
> 
> Wow this is the longest thing I think I've ever written.
> 
> It's 44 pages in Word.
> 
> Please do not copy/repost without my permission. 
> 
>  
> 
> This is un-beta'd, and I tried to look for typos but I can't see everything and so there may be some I missed. If you see them, let me know, and I'll do my best to fix it.
> 
> Enjoy!

The runes held. They held for the next three years he remained on Midgard, helping to neutralize an irritating mortal who thought he could wield seiðr, repairing buildings he allowed to be destroyed. 

He had to return to Asgard eventually. He may have been redeemed for his crimes on Midgard (he doesn't think he'll ever be able to live with the fact he allowed children to be killed) but his plotting against the golden heir of Asgard required a harsher sentence. His allowing of Jötunn beasts into Asgard demanded that he be punished. 

So Thor took him back. 

The Odinson called for Heimdall to open the Bifrost and take him back, and Loki could not think of a single thing he would rather do less than return. He did not wish to face the All Father and his unfair judgement. He did not wish to see the disappointment on Mo– Queen Frigga's face. He did not feel comfortable in Asgard (but had he ever really), could not escape the unease that emerged after learning of his heritage. 

The fear of the public learning what he was and demanding his head for it. 

And Odin giving it to them in order to maintain peace. 

Because damn it all Loki still wanted to live. He did not have any desire to die, not after letting go and meeting the Chitauri. Not after letting go and allowing himself to further dig his own grave. 

Loki believed that he would miss the mortals, Banner and James at least. The doctor never treated him as he likely deserved, always civil and courteous even when Loki was more acerbic than usual. The soldier was his friend and acted around Loki as though he were an equal, and as though James was not a war hero in his own right. 

He acted as though Loki was not a war _criminal_. 

Loki supposed that if any of the mortals would be kind to him after that it would have been James and Banner. James was a criminal in a few people's eyes, his own included, occasionally. Banner regularly had the military breath down his neck in harsh heavy pants claiming he was property and belonged in a lab somewhere. 

(If he belonged in a lab it was with a coat on putting samples into tubes)

§

There was a crowd waiting in Asgard for his return.

Loki was confused, never had he ever drawn so many people to one spot for anything. 

Not the minor punishments incurred by his mischief making when he was younger, the shock of the prince doing something that he was to be reprimanded in public for a great crowd pleaser, not the sentencing of being made a group of mortals' pet, those who wished his humiliation.

Trepidation built in his abdomen and his thoughts started churning: this many people came to watch the hated prince (he was hardly legitimate) die, this many people came to relish his ruin.

§

Thor escorted him to the prison, and not once did Loki allow his head to hang or his shoulders to slouch.

He carried himself with as much pride as he could muster. 

He ignored the shabby state of his clothes and the leers of the people around them.

§

"Thor?"

"Yes, Loki?"

"Is he going to kill me for what I have done?"

His query was met with, "Loki, I do not know."

§

He was left in a cell in the prison for days before the All Father called.

The prison was solitary, something that Loki greatly appreciated. As it was, he could hear the other prisoners shouting insults down towards him and he could not be bothered to answer. 

The guards glared at him in disgust whenever they made their rounds, and Loki was grateful his runes still worked because he didn't think he could handle the beatings and insults he would likely receive if they knew what he actually was.

§

Loki realized that Odin would likely out Loki as a Jötunn before killing him. The public had to see _why_ Loki was such a shame to Asgard, that the reason he had committed such acts was because he was a _monster_ , that no honorable Ás would ever do such a thing, and what better way to show it than to prove he was not really of Asgard after all?

§

Loki realized with a start that he didn't even know if the public knew about his heritage.

The guards were being too kind to him, he was certain they didn't know. 

For now.

§

Thor escorted Loki to the hall, restraining Loki with a collar, and bracelets around his ankles and wrists. All of them were connected by sturdy chains. Loki couldn't help noticing the sheer number of people in the area, it seemed as though the entire population of Asgard wanted to get a look at the prince before he died and rotted.

Because even if he wasn't being executed for war crimes and treason, he was a _Jötunn_ and all knew that the Jötnar couldn't enter Valhalla, they were too much of cowards and had no honor.

§

"Loki–" The King looked exhausted, as though the little frost giant runt was an irritating gnat that would not go away.

At first glance, the room seemed odd, and when Loki realized it was because his mother was missing his stomach sank even lower. 

Loki gave a small nod and the collar around his neck made the chains crinkle and chime. 

"–Laufeyson." The crowd around them gasped and chatter built up around the two men staring at one another. 

_They ought kill that Jötunn beast_

_I always knew that second prince was odd_

_He was always called the argr prince_

Loki's lips stretched into a grotesque grin, eyes lighting with ill-disguised fury, he announced, "Odin Borson." The room quieted a bit, people trying to hear what was to happen, "Are we just going to say each other's names or are we to discuss my fate?" 

Odin ignored him. 

"Loki Laufeyson, you have been accused and found guilty of both leading a war against Midgard and treason. Of both crimes you have been found guilty." He paused, "Your punishment for your crimes against Midgard was to help protect the realm and rebuild to the best of your ability, and you have done this for the past five years. The Director has assured me that you have performed adequately."

He performed better than _adequately_. He was _adequate_ when he fought for the wretched realm against their own villains. He went above and beyond spending so much time as an animal. 

"Do you have a point, Borson?" Loki put all the nonchalance into his tone as he could. The name felt foreign on his tongue. He should be saying All Father but he could not bring himself to speak the title. Chittering began amongst the crowd again, and Odin silenced them with a stare. 

"You have not yet been punished for your crimes against this realm. The Council has decided to revoke the magic which keeps you Æsir until you have earned the right to use it, and henceforth you will be Laufey's son." Loki kept the terror from showing on his face, he was sure of it. "You will no longer be considered a prince of this realm, but you will use your magic for the betterment of Asgard, however I or any other official sees fit. You will remain in your cell at the beck and call of myself and others in order to maintain Asgard as it is now."

As the All-Father droned about Loki's fate, all Loki could think was how the Æsir and its guards were going to skin the little frost giant runt alive.

§

Four guards had to restrain him in order for the healers to remove the scarring from his thigh and for the other mages to bind his magic from returning to that form.

When the scars started to fade and he could feel the blue creeping up his skin he stopped moving his legs in hopes that it would hide his shame.

§

They did not restrict his magic as they had done so for the mortals. Loki could use all of his magic but his shape shifting abilities, teleporting, and with intent to cause people harm without being provoked.

An extra set of cuffs was for when he was being used outside the cell, they allowed for no attempts to escape via magic, and also made it easier for Heimdall to see where he was.

Because even Odin realized that it was no matter that Loki resided under heavy guard, his life was continually in danger because he was an animal that no one wished to tolerate.

§

He began to weave spells of protection around himself for when he was no longer in the cell.

He changed his sensory input because it was just so _hot_ in Asgard.

§

He was assigned a guard to take care of him and he was _good_ at hiding his revulsion. It wasn't until he had been checking on him for a week did Loki notice that the man never looked at him.

A dull pain grew in his stomach as the days went on, he was making this wretched being watch after an animal, and as time continued it grew more and more prominent and Loki wanted to claw it out because that would hurt less.

§

He started to make himself as unobtrusive as possible whenever the guard was expected to enter because he couldn't face the guilt and shame like the Jötunn coward he was.

He didn't even understand _why_ he cared what the guard thought of him. He wouldn't have before, back when he thought he was one of the Æsir. 

But back then there was no reason for the dislike. He was perfectly civil towards his inferiors and never had them do anything horrid, but no one liked him anyway. 

Now he couldn't even think of anyone to care for a Jötunn monster.

§

The shouts of the prisoners taunting the argr monster continued long into the night.

They demanded to see it, to defile it, to show it what it _deserved_ and for the first time Loki vomited at what must have happened to that young giant that had stumbled across the realm when he was younger. 

Because unlike Loki, Beinvid was not in solitary. Unlike Loki, Beinvid did not have the luxury of former status. Unlike Loki, Beinvid did not have a _use_ in Asgard Unlike Loki, Beinvid felt the entirety of the intolerable Asgardian heat. Unlike Loki, Beinvid did not have millennia of people thinking he wasn't a monster.

§

Loki could keep clean using his magic. He did not have to show any men his mutilated genitalia. He did not have to bear their sneers.

§

The officials of Asgard didn't call on him for weeks and Loki could feel the three month mark getting closer and closer. If this time followed the same pattern as the first he was going to bleed somewhere in the third month and then every three months after.

He tried to conjure a spell that would stop the bleeding from occurring but he didn't know enough about it to begin. 

Instead he fashioned a spell that would deposit his blood in a waste container without any products like Banner had given him.

§

When he was finally taken out of his cell he had small chains wrapped around his wrists only to keep his magic from lashing out.

They wanted him to fix the walls in Asgard's great hall. 

Because there were areas of bare wall where the covering had faded and the color needed fixed and when Loki laughed instead of mending it immediately, if a guard hit him no one cared enough to mention it, and it certainly didn't make him any uglier.

§

His mother did not visit and Loki was not sure if he was relieved or heartbroken because she no longer cared.

§

They had him fix various parts of the palace, and the more colors he restored the more rankled he became because he was _better_ than this, better than being a pet that performed tricks, better than a servant, better than the animal he was not, better than the animal he _couldn't_ be.

§

When Loki awoke to a pain in his midsection he checked the spell to take care of the blood.

He masked any grimaces as he moved in order to appear as normal. He hid the uncomfortable feeling of bleeding but not having any blood come out. 

He thanked the Norns it was working correctly because he knew he would have acted as though he was a young girl just entering her maidenhood, running to her mother. 

It was not as though anyone would listen to his request. A lowly Jötunn (son of King Laufey but still lower than an Ás prisoner) asking for the Queen of Asgard's valuable time? No. 

And he knew beyond a shadow of doubt that his mot– Queen Frigga no longer held any fondness for him. She could not. Not after all he had done, after realizing that he was a monster like his birthright said he should be.

§

He started to watch the door more frequently, to notice who went past his cell every day and until the bleeding stopped he continued to do so.

§

The bleeding stopped after five days.

Loki thought he might cry from relief that no one found out.

§

The first time he woke from a night terror he was just in time to stop ice from covering his cell.

§

The second time he didn't wake. The second time he writhed and silently screamed as he was beaten into the ground with a green fist, as he flashed from the nothingness of the void to his first few days with the Chitauri before they realized he was of use.

His every instinct screamed at him to freeze to protect his vulnerable body and he listened to it for the first time. 

He woke to screams of pain from a guard.

§

Loki bolted off of his cot, fast enough to make his head spin and his head whirled to look at who had caused the cries.

It was the guard who checked on him. 

And he was covered in black all down his side. 

Loki's face turned horrified, the one person who attempted to hide their contempt for him and he injured and disfigured the man.

He rushed to the fallen guard's side, he had to fix this he had to it was an accident and Loki could imagine what the other guards would wish to do to him now that he had injured one of their fellow soldiers. A sick feeling grew in his stomach as he weaved a healing spell to lessen the scarring. 

"I am sorry. I am so very sorry." Loki murmured as he pushed the spell onto the guard. He tried to ignore the way the guard recoiled from his touch and the disgust on his face as he set to working on the blackened skin. 

"Guards!" Loki yelled down the hall, hoping one of the men on duty would hear him. 

With the sheer amount of frost touched skin the man would need Eir's expertise and things Loki didn't know how to do. 

His concentration on making sure the spells did no more harm and keeping the distance between their bodies blocked out the sound of the summoned guards approaching. He was startled when a hand reached down his hair and yanked, hard, on it. His head was wrenched back and he met the furious, disgusted, gaze of the able bodied man. 

"What did you do?" He spit. 

"It was an accident!" That answer was not satisfactory, could never be satisfactory, and Loki was prepared for his hair being pulled hard enough that his entire body moved as he was shoved to the side of the room. 

"You! Take him to Eir!" The leader ordered the men standing around uselessly. 

Two guards picked up their wounded comrade, and took him out of the cell. Their leader whirled on Loki, forcing his head back so the blue man had to look him in the eye.

"What was that? Did you forget what you are, you little frost runt? Did it escape your mind _where_ you are? Your little tricks will not do you any good here." A feral grin crossed his face, and Loki's stomach twisted into knots. "As punishment for attacking the guard, you will receive the same burns. Because you are a Jötunn they will not be cold burns, but rather hot ones."

"No! No, no, no, no! I did not mean to–" Loki squirmed in the man's grip, knowing that if he froze the man holding him he would be punished more severely than they had already planned. 

"But you did. And now you will pay the price for harming one of the All Father's men." He looked up at the few remaining soldiers, "Get his chains."

They scrambled to obey. The leader ordered off his shirt and within what felt like seconds his magic was locked inside him and was lifted to his feet. 

"Walk. Or I will drag you."

Loki tried to focus on breathing on keeping himself from hyperventilating stopping himself from fainting. As they neared the area of the dungeons he had only heard about, the task became harder and harder. He forced one step in front of the other and tried to clear his mind of what was to happen.

§

They stripped him of his trousers but did not bother removing his underclothes. They forced him to stand in the center of the room and he noticed a pot in the fireplace. Revulsion swept through his being and he forced himself to stand still. It would hurt but it would be nothing he had not felt before. Nothing he could not heal later.

He put up a feeble protest as his arms were tied above his head,but did not beg, he was a _prince_ , and a gag was placed in his mouth. 

He tried not to scream when boiling water was poured down the side of his chest and trickled down his leg. 

He did not pay it any mind that his skin too turned dark.

§

He walked back to his cell with a stilted gait, his clothing rubbing against the ruined skin.

He did not flinch or wince when he was shoved back into his cell and heard the door lock behind it. 

He could not fall asleep. The slightest noise had him jumping with an elevated heart beat. He felt pain every time he moved and he couldn't stop twitching. 

Loki summoned his magic to start healing the burns, first blocking the strongest of the pain and then cleaning the skin to prevent infections. He couldn't make himself heal all of the black skin, nor could he remove the entirety of the pain. He knew he _deserved_ it.

§

When the next shift arrived Loki relaxed a small amount. The new guards would likely not harm him.

§

When one of the men stood outside his door he stiffened: the frost giant was not ready for another pot of water. The first was still healing. He moved to the opposite side of the door, watching it warily.

§

He was not prepared for a summons from Mo– the Queen.

He followed them, of course.

§

Loki could only think of one reason the Queen would wish to see him: to further cement that he was not her son, that he never was her son.

He was not looking forward to seeing her.

§

He was led to her chambers and once she arrived she dismissed the guards.

Loki stared at her chin, unable to meet the disgust that was no doubt in her gaze. 

"Loki." Her voice was soft and did not brim with distaste like the All Father's. It sounded strained and the younger god filled with guilt at the idea that he caused his mother distress. 

"Mo–My Queen." Loki corrected himself after a slight hesitation. It did not matter what he _wanted_ , he was _nothing_ , had no say in his own fate. 

He glanced at her face and took in her softened expression. He quickly looked away, because she did not deserve to be looked in the eye by an animal. 

"You will always be my son, Loki, no matter what skin you wear." Mother said softly. 

The curiosity that had been growing inside him for the past few years burst, "Did you know what I was when you raised me? Or did the All-Father tell you he found an Ás child?" Loki spoke with no inflection despite the despair he was feeling. He wanted her to say yes, she had always known and loved him anyway. He wanted to believe that someone cared. 

"Yes. I knew that you were a Jötunn from the moment you were laid in my arms. I loved you from the moment you were placed into my arms." Mother spoke with certainty, she had known and she had not let that influence her. A weight Loki had not known had existed lifted off his chest. 

"I did not wish to discuss with you the past today, however. You are two sexed," Loki inhaled sharply and his eyes darted to hers before falling to the ground with shame, "Yet you have not bled in the four months you have been like this. Are you using magic to stop the cycle?"

"No, Mother." Loki murmured. 

"Then why have you not bled?" She inquired and Loki squirmed. 

"I am using magic to take the blood to a waste container." He spoke slowly, "I do not wish for any of the other prisoners, nor the guards, to learn of this." 

"You were prepared?" Mother sounded surprised. 

"In my time with the mortals I was in this form for eight months. After two cycles I decided to inscribe runes into my skin in order to appear Æsir and not… like this." Loki explained. 

"You hurt yourself to appear Æsir?" Mother's concern leaked into her voice.

Loki looked at her, brow furrowed, would she have rathered he stay an animal? "Yes?" 

His mother reached over to wrap her arms around Loki, and he stiffened as she made contact with the burns and aggravated the delicate skin. 

"Loki, my son, you need not have done that. You can be good inside no matter what form you are inhabiting." She smoothed down his hair as she released him, a small, sad smile on her face. 

He could not be _good_. His very nature made him bad. He was bad just for being born a frost giant. He was disgusting for having blue skin. He was repulsive for having a cunt. He was a monster because of his actions, killing so many. And for what? The desire to prove he was an animal? A vicious beast that needed to be put down?

"Yes, Mother." Loki murmured, no real conviction in his voice. 

Her lips curled, “What I had planned for you was very similar to what you are currently doing for your time. I am proud that I have raised such a resourceful son."

 _You have raised a coward,_ thought Loki bitterly. Out loud he said, “It seemed the best option available.”

Her smile gained happiness at that, “I have not spoken to you in quite some time; what is Midgard like now? And what do you make of Thor’s new friends?” She reached over for a large piece of cloth and a small needle. 

He described Midgard to her as she sewed, more than once making her cry with laughter as he retold stories of their adventures.

§

Before he left he told his mother of the guard and asked if she had heard anything about it. When she replied that no, she had not, he outlined the damage he had wrought.

“I am aware that you have no benefit to doing as I ask, and I do not know what became of my things, but I beseech you: use whatever you once planned to give me and make him have a pleasant existence. I fear that I have disfigured him and made him lame.” Loki could not look his mother in the eye as he begged her to do this one thing, guilt and shame filling his body. But Loki had made a true monster of himself; harming the single soul that spent time in the prisons that made him feel less like a Jötunn and more like an Ás. He had _ruined_ the man, because not even Eir could fix the frost bite of the giants. The little giant had seen what men who had been touched by the cold looked like, and how their entire being was altered by this one deed. 

She gently patted his shoulder, “I shall see what I can do.”

Loki felt even guiltier that she was willing to fix his mistakes and act as though he was still her son. The queen had no reason to act as though he was anything but a nuisance. A leech that had lived with them for years. 

Guards escorted him back to his cell.

§

The guard could no longer move with the full freedom of motion for half of his body, effectively removing his job as an Einharjar.

Loki felt as though his burns were not aggravated enough to make it a worthwhile punishment, and he irritated the boiled skin in an effort to assuage the guilt. 

It did not work to diminish the growing knot in his abdomen.

§

He was not spoken to for weeks. The court was busy so Mother could not speak to him and neither Odin nor his son cared about him. All the repairs Loki had made to the walls were for this time.

The guards did not bother with him unless they brought his food. 

A litany of “I’m sorry” started in Loki’s head. He was sorry for maiming the guard. He was sorry for controlling the mortals. He was sorry for attempting to control Midgard. He was sorry for being good at magic. He was sorry for being bad at physical fighting. He was sorry for being argr. He was sorry intruding into the Royal Family’s life thinking he belonged. He was sorry for trying to rule Asgard. He was sorry for being a monster. He was sorry for being a Jötunn. He was sorry for being born. 

He was so very _pathetic_. Loki wanted to scream and destroy and he _couldn't_. He could not bring himself to abandon his self pity. He hated how wretched he had become. 

He could not stop.

§

“Get up.”

Loki’s gaze, which had be drifting off into the air focused on the guard in the doorway. Loki berated himself for not noticing the man’s entrance. 

“What for?” From what he could see, the guard did not have any mages or court officials with him, so surely Loki wasn't fixing something. The large blonde man reminded him of Thor in a way. 

He noticed that Loki’s special cuffs were in the man’s hands. 

“You have not bathed once since you were sentenced. It is disgusting and I intend to fix that.” At that Loki’s entire body jerked up and he moved to his feet. 

“No. You need not. I have been keeping myself clean through my seiðr.” Loki explained hurriedly. He did not need to bathe. He was clean. He did not need to be naked in front of this man. He would not. 

“So you are masking the grime with your filthy magic?” The disgust in his voice rankled Loki. He was _clean_. There was no need for him to bathe in front of a guard if he was clean. 

There was no need. 

“Shirt off.” The guard barked at him, and Loki started before forcibly stopping himself. He did not make to do as ordered, instead warily glancing outside and down the hall. 

“I said shirt _off_!” The guard shouted at him and Loki did not flinch. He stared at the burly man in defiance. He would _not_ reveal himself to this man. He would not. 

The blond advanced into the cell and Loki took a step back, calling his magic to him. He could do this interfering boar as he had done to the kinder guard. But he quickly changed his mind as he remembered his burning flesh. 

Ice stared to grow around Loki like a protective fence, in an effort to keep the threat away from him. Before it could grow tall enough to impede the fittest of men the oaf rushed toward him and grabbed Loki’s wrist and fastened one of the blockers to it. The roll of nausea was enough to throw Loki off, and before Loki could stop him the guard had sealed off his magic and Loki was completely helpless.

§

“This is not necessary. I am clean. There is no use in bathing me because I am _clean._ ” Loki repeated over and over as he was dragged towards the washing room. The panic growing inside him almost closed his throat and Loki fought to keep breathing evenly.

The guard cuffed his ear, “Be quiet, you runt. You are filthy because you have not bathed in months. Prisoners are required to bathe once a month. You have violated standard protocol. You are not the false prince you once were and you will not receive special treatment.”

Loki’s heart was pumping so loudly in his ears that he hardly registered the words the man said. The oaf was going to find out. No matter how many times he ran it through his head he could not conceive of a way to evade the process. 

He was pushed through the door way closely followed by the guard. 

When the man ordered him to strip his limbs locked in place and he concentrated on what Banner had taught him to calm down. He was too slow to follow the order and the man grabbed the hem of his shirt and violently tugged it over Loki’s head, causing the Jötunn to jerk back. The guard threw the shirt over to an empty part of the floor. He instructed Loki to take off his pants and almost mechanically he began to unlace the fronts. 

He forced himself to breath in through the nose, hold, and out through the mouth. 

Loki stepped out of the pants and folded them before placing them over his shirt. 

Loki felt like he could vomit, the apprehension and anticipation churning in his stomach. 

“Are you going to finish or do I have to do that for you too?” Sneered the guard, and alarm bells went off in Loki’s head, that the guard absolutely must not touch him there. 

Loki touched the hem of his undergarment, feeling the disgust at himself well up and mix with the constant revulsion he felt at seeing all of the blue.

The guard smirked as his eyes raked over the blue expanse of skin. Loki stared at the wall, gritting his teeth as he prepared himself for mocking.

Glancing at the guard, he saw eyes widen with shock as he realized what Loki possessed. “I always knew you were not a real man.” He sneered. The prince forced the anger that flared away, because what good would it do him now? “Get in and wash up.”

The water was filthy and Loki felt dirtier after washing than he had before.

§

Afterwards he was allowed to put on his clothes and he went back to his cell. When given control of his magic he immediately iced over his dwelling, making it nearly impossible to see what he was doing. All one could see was the faint outline of blue on white.

Loki stripped, feeling the guard’s filthy, mocking gaze still on his body. He ran seiðr over his clothes, cleaning the sweat and dirty water from the leather and cotton. 

Once he had finished his clothes, Loki turned his attention to his body. He magicked away the layer of grime the water left behind, fastidiously making sure each area was clean before replacing his clothing.

§

Unease accompanied all of Loki’s waking moments. He knew of the things that went on in the dungeon, he knew that the guards were under no obligations to be kind or fair or even civil to the prisoners.

The guards had every right to do with each prisoner as they pleased. To punish them further, to taunt, to hit. 

He knew that he would have little recourse should the guards wish something of him. He was not as strong and without his magic he was weak and easily over powered.

§

The next guards to visit his cell were two he had seen before, a short, burly brunet and a tall, lanky redhead.

Fear spiked through him: he would not be allowed to say no. And if he did they would ignore him and continue anyway.

§

They brought summons from his mother.

§

“How are you faring?” Mother asked as she weaved cloth with a wave of her hand, the loom following her magic.

 _I am so terrified I cannot eat, I can hardly sleep, the slightest noise makes panic choke my throat and I cannot look at myself without feeling this body’s weaknesses._

“I have been faring well.” Loki lied, smiling, “How was court?” 

She must not find out that the guards knew. He did not desire her interference in this matter. He did not wish for the Queen of Asgard to lower her standing by helping a monster. 

She did not deserve that.

§

A month passed and the same guard came again to make him wash with dirty water.

Loki hesitated for a fraction of a second before stripping. The man already knew, so what difference did it make?

§

Loki nearly scratched his skin hard enough for blood to seep through in an effort to rinse off, because while he _knew_ his magic removed any dirt; he couldn't help but still feel filthy and unclean.

§

Loki spent days sitting on his cot with his knees curled up to his chest, trying to not look as pathetic and dejected as he felt.

Any time he was checked in on he looked at the intruder with a listless gaze, and was soon left alone.

§

Thor visited when he had need of Loki’s services in his halls.

Loki rigged a fountain to bubble water in the shape of a hammer, crafted hanging baubles for his not-brother’s halls, and bewitched a ribbon into flying around Thor and flitting in his face for a day. 

It was the first time he could recall laughing without bitterness since Midgard.

§

His second cycle was just as undetectable as his first.

And so was his third, and fifth, and twentieth, and fiftieth, and sixty-second.

§

The time in Midgard moved differently, the mortals had so little time. Every year there brought so many more changes.

This encouraged Loki to scry on the Avengers more the longer he was in prison. 

The Captain and James did not appear to age any faster than one of the Æsir, but Stark, the Hawk and the Widow did. Banner looked increasingly tired, but continued to move with relative ease. 

He watched Stark marry that Potts woman. He watched as James and Rogers took in a small child and raised it as though it was one of their own. He watched as Clint learned the man Loki stabbed was alive (and Loki was confused about this too). He watched as Romanoff taught basic self defense to children.

§

Seventy, eighty, ninety-five cycles.

He decorated for visiting dignitaries. He fixed the lights in the hall, with only a slight change to create shadows that looked as though they were hiding something, enjoying the thought that a timid page would skitter away from the shadows in an attempt to avoid the things in the dark.

§

He watched Banner at Stark’s funeral procession.

He watched the man he faced on the Helicarrier die again. 

He watched as James and Rogers stood through all of their friend’s dying again. 

His heart hurt.

§

Hundred, one hundred and fifty, two hundred.

He watched as their daughter grew and played and learned all she could.

§

Three hundred. Three fifty. (He lost count of all the walls he fixed, of dignitaries he prepared for, of shadows he placed just so.)

§

He watched as they buried their daughter in her old age as they continued to look no more than thirty five, with James perhaps looking forty.

Loki sympathized with their loss more than he wished. 

The next time he was taken out of his cell he forced himself to ask (first) to send a small gift to Midgard. 

He was denied permission. 

He sent it down a secret path, hardly large enough to hold the gift, certainly not large enough for him to sneak down, barely passing it through before he was interrupted by his keeper at the time. 

It was a small box containing a letter of his condolences, another letter saying he wished them well, and finally, a pair of amulets that prevented against attack from both magical and physical means.

§

He watched them open their gift and smile.

§

The guard who saw his mutilated genitals didn't appear to have told any others about it.

He did not call to abase Loki more than the once monthly bath. 

Which continued with horrible regularity. 

The sneer as Loki derobed never fully went away.

§

The first time Loki encountered a child in his true skin it was in Thor’s halls as he was called out to help ease decorating for Thor and the Lady Sif’s wedding, his Midgardian woman all but forgotten. Loki looked at her sometimes, scrying inside his cell, and she appeared to have met a young man and she was happy and lived with him until she died.

Loki was not _expecting_ to see a child in the halls. As far as he knew Thor did not have any children, and servants usually kept their children close by or in their quarters. 

And the girl was sobbing. The other decorators paid her no mind but Loki’s heart hurt at seeing a child cry. 

Even though he was hardly a parent, giving up Sleipnir as soon as he was able, hardly defending Fenrir, leaving Hela to her own devices. Things _his_ mother would never have done. Had never done to him, even when he deserved it. 

He walked over to her, and if she looked the slightest bit frightened he would retreat. He expected his appearance to frighten her, his crimson eyes and blue skin and black nails. 

When he became near enough to hear her sobbing he realized just how young she was, how little. 

He moved to her side before crouching. 

“Shh, shh, child. It will be all right.” She looked up and stared before sobbing hard. “Shh, what's wrong?”

The girl sniffled, “I do not…” Her breath hitched, “I do not know where my mo–mother is.” Tears streamed down her face as she explained her plight to the monster before her. 

“Where does your mother work?” He asked quietly. 

“She works in the kitchens,” her face screwed up, voice hitching, “and I told her I would not leave but I was playing and now I do not know how to get back.”

“Shh. I know the way to the kitchens, get up, there is a good girl, I shall take you back, if it is all right with you, my Lady.” Loki stood and bowed in an attempt to soothe her, holding his hand out for her to steady herself. She took it, obviously not knowing any better, and when he made to let go she gripped his hand tighter. 

She giggled, “M’not a Lady…”

Loki pretended to be shocked, “Surely you jest! Someone as lovely as you is most assuredly a lady. Do you have a name?”

She smiled, her hitches in breath all but gone, “Anna.”

“Lady Anna, will you accompany me to the kitchens to find your mother?”

She followed him as he twisted through the halls, it was no wonder she had gotten lost, that particular hall was not meant to be dined in and was placed farther away from the kitchen in order to better accommodate the rooms that did. 

Along the way she talked to him, telling him what she did and about her friends and Loki was relieved she never asked his name, because surely she had heard him being talked about and her reaction to seeing him would change, disgust and fear would enter her tone and Loki didn’t think he could bear that. 

At last he reached the kitchen doors and when he entered, small child in tow, all of the activity stopped. 

When no one spoke he cleared his throat, “Is Anna’s mother here? I have brought back someone that wandered away.” He smiled and made sure to show no teeth, he must look hideous to them as it was, him daring to touch an Æsir child. 

A short, pudgy woman spoke up, “That would be me.” 

“Momma!” Anna let go of Loki’s hand, hugged him to the shock and bewilderment of the kitchen staff, and ran to her mother before wrapping her short arms around her mother's waist. 

“I wish you a nice day.” He turned to walk out before feeling a child that couldn't be more than one sixth his weight nearly bowl him over. 

“Thank you, mister, for taking me back.” She said brightly. 

“It was my pleasure, Lady Anna.” He replied, gently stroking her hair. “But I have to go now, so do not wander off again, all right?” Anna nodded vigorously. “Until we meet again?”

Anna gave him one last squeeze before returning to her mother, who looked on with fear tinged face. 

He left the kitchen without a backwards glance, and found a hiding spot he had made when he was younger before sliding down the wall, his knees close to his chest and rested his forehead against them. 

He knew the public didn't like him. He _knew_. 

That didn't stop him from feeling the weight of their revulsion and terror. 

He stayed in the hole for ten minutes before exiting.

§

He walked down the hall with a brisk step, he knew he had to make up for missing nearly an hour’s work, and while it would leave him more tired at the end of the day, he was sure he could do it.

§

He wasn't expecting to be shoved up against the wall, face unable to see his attacker, on his journey to the hall.

“Found it!” Yelled the man pinning him, and Loki heard the thumping of uniform boots hitting the ground. 

“Get off me, I was never missing!” Loki snarled, heart racing, trying to jerk his shoulder to make the guard lose his grip. 

The man gripped harder and forced Loki to turn his face if he didn't want to crush his nose against the wall. He could see at least ten guards surrounding him, “You did not tell anyone where you went, little frost runt. The mages sent the Prince’s guards to look for you, and now that we found you I wonder what is waiting for you.”

The surrounding men grinned, and one of them laughed. They thought he ran away. A prisoner who tried to escape was punished _brutally_. 

“I am able to explain what happened, take me to the Mage in charge.” Loki said hurriedly.

The man pinning him turned to the others, “Any of you lot have a pair of cuffs to tie this animal with? If not rope will do.” 

A shuffling of movement and Loki felt rough rope loop around his wrists then tied around his waist. Another piece wrapped around his throat, and Loki had to force himself to remain quiet. He could get out of it easily enough, but the degradation still burned in his throat. He was like an unruly pet that needed to learn a lesson. 

He was dragged by a short lead that choked him if he tugged on it; making his pace something he would never usually keep. 

Eventually he was brought to the hall where he found the little girl, and the other mages were standing there, relieved at the appearance of the Jötunn. 

No more than “I can—“ was out of Loki’s mouth before the leader sealed his lips and vocal cords from spouting words, and his magic was sealed away inside him. 

“It is obvious what has happened, Jötunn. You are not going to lie your way out as you used to do.” The head Mage spat. “You will be punished as befits the crime in the prisons.” Fear filled Loki’s stomach. He _knew_ the punishment for running, a whipping at the very least, and they would not stop with that because they finally had the opportunity to harm the only Frost Giant in their custody as much as they wished. 

He tried to shake his head, but a guard pushed him forward until the Mage could take the leash and he dragged him to the dungeons and towards the room where he once had boiling water poured down his side. 

The rope was cut, his shirt removed, and his arms were fastened above his head. 

They didn't give him back his voice.

§

**They had him ingest something so it would be difficult for him to lose consciousness.**

**The first blow stung, the fifth made blood trickle down his back, the fifteenth choked him, he couldn't scream, and it was caught in his throat. The fiftieth was the last one and Loki hung his head, knowing that it couldn't be the end of the punishment.**

**Loki cried; it was his only release of the nerves on him exploding with pain. He drew great shuddering breaths trying to calm himself, and felt no shame in the tears rolling down his face.**

**They burned his soles, cut out strips of skin on his back, mangling the welts that were already there. Knives sliced along his legs and when they parted his thighs Loki shook his head and struggled to close them.**

**A blade traced his inner leg, breaking the skin every so often. It did the same to his other leg before the man wielding it stopped and closed them.**

**A sob escaped Loki, and he tried to open his mouth to answer despite knowing it wouldn’t work.**

**Salted water was poured down his back and he arched, trying to scream, his mouth opened is a grotesque fashion.**

**He lost consciousness soon after.**

****

§

He woke to his entire body aflame, his back a criss crossed section of open skin and scabs, his feet blistered, and his shoulders wrenched back so long he thought he might have tore something. He was in his cell, back against his cot, the cloth irritating the cuts.

He couldn't groan. A small shuffle near him almost made him jump, something he knew would cause a world of pain. 

“I am the prison healer. I need to assess what you are feeling and make sure you will not lose a limb because of your punishment.” An old womanly voice told him as it moved closer. 

She moved into his line of sight, and he took in her slight appearance. 

“What hurts the most?” 

His back, he wanted to say, opening his mouth no sound came out. 

“Did you scream yourself hoarse?” She asked. 

Loki shook his head no. He jingled the cuffs that remained on his wrists, hoping she would understand that he was silenced with magic. 

A look of horror crossed her face, “I shall be right back, do not move, you will aggravate your injuries.” She rushed out of his cell. 

The lead Mage was dragged in to his cell and Loki couldn't help but stiffen. 

“You can speak you filthy creature.” He spit before he removed the magic suppressing cuffs. He turned away and stalked off, his time better spent preparing for the royal wedding. The healer watched him go with disgust on her face. 

“What hurts the most?” She asked again quietly. 

“Back.” Loki croaked. 

“Drink this.” She ordered as she twisted his body and Loki could feel various scabs open and fresh blood trickle down. 

Loki swallowed the water. 

“Why did you run?” the woman asked as she started bandaging.

“Did not. Little girl crying, was lost.” Loki mumbled, closing his eyes. 

“And?” She encouraged him to continue. 

“Know the halls of Bilskirnir. Helped design them. Took back to mother.” He finished.

“Norns.” She breathed. “You were bringing a little girl back to her mother?” 

Loki made a noise of assent, his back gradually losing some of the fire that was there when he woke. 

She taped the last bandage to him before standing. “I am going to Eir, and I am going to fetch pain medication, a truth serum, and Eir herself if they can spare her.”

“No!” Loki’s eyes flew open as he realized what she planned. “No, please, do not, Mother cannot know, _please_.” He couldn't bear distressing her again. 

“Cannot know _what_?” 

“I have been hurt. Cannot know. Please.” He wasn't ashamed to beg to save his mother pain. 

“Shh. The Queen will not know. Eir and I shall keep it a secret.” She soothed, running a hand over his hair. 

The healer left and Loki drifted off.

§

He woke to his cell door opening and the healer from before and Eir walked in. Both carried various items, bottles and bandages.

Loki felt guilt at the idea of perfectly good supplies being wasted on a frost giant. His mind was clearer than before and his back hurt no where near as much. 

“Good, Loki, you are awake.” Eir started, holding up a vial, “You will drink this potion and it will make you speak only the truth for about an hour. I will ask you questions, and you will answer them to the best of your ability. Your answers will not affect your treatment, so if you are lying do not start thinking of a careful half truths. It will affect how much longer you remain imprisoned. Do you understand me?”

“Yes.”

She handed him the bottle and he uncorked it with a bit of difficulty, before swallowing the water like liquid. 

“Is the story you told her true?” Eir asked. 

“Yes.” Loki replied. 

“Repeat it to me, but with more detail.” She ordered. 

“They had me decorate Bilskirnir for the wedding. I noticed a small girl crying and I went to ask her what was wrong. She had been playing and had gotten lost. I managed to quiet her sobs and did not bother asking the Mage to leave and took her back to the kitchens, where she said her mother worked. I left her there and,” he couldn't stop the story spilling from his lips, “I hid for ten minutes to compose myself, because my children do not care for me, and they care even less now than they did before, I am sure of it. Furthermore, knowing that the population thinks I am disgusting is different than actually feeling it.” He drew in a breath, “Her name was Anna and she hugged me, much to the dismay and worry of her mother; that I would eat the child like we tell them so they do as they are told. I was not prepared for that.”

“How long were you gone?” Eir asked. 

“An hour? Maybe less, maybe more.” Loki answered. 

“Why did you not tell the Mage where you were going?” 

“He would not have let me. He would have forced me to give her up and continue decorating the Odinson’s damn halls. I also know Bilskirnir the best, I helped design the place, and I know the shortest path from one place to another.” Loki knew that it was selfish, and perhaps that selfishness earned him the punishment. 

“Afterwards, why did you not tell the Mage where you went?”

“I tried. The guards found me and dragged me like a dog to him, and before I could get in a word in edgewise, he silenced me and did not remove the spell until after the punishment.”

“Why did you attack the guard your first year here?” 

Startled into silence by the abrupt change in questions, he hesitated. “I was having a night terror and he tried to wake me. I did not realize I was harming him until he began to scream.”

“What was your dream about?”

“The Chitauri and the things they enjoyed doing to me.”

“Were you punished?”

“Yes.”

“Did you deserve it?”

What kind of question was that? He mutilated a man, “Yes.”

“Did you deserve the punishment for running?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I did not try to escape. I did harm the guard. He is lame because of my actions and nothing I can do will change that.” Loki replied, his voice cracking at the end. 

“You are too skinny. Have you not been eating?” 

“I have not been eating as much as I used to.”

“Why? Have they not been feeding you?”

“No. They know I am argr.” And it would be so _easy_ …

Both women blew out a steady stream of air. 

Eir fetched another bottle, “Drink this. It will make you sleep so you do not feel pain as I dress these injuries.”

He downed the contents of the bottle and slept.

§

Sif and Thor married while Loki healed in his cell.

The prison healer, whose name he learned was Vör, tended to Loki once daily, making certain that his wounds did not become infected. 

His magic could have done that, but it gave the healer satisfaction and Loki didn't experience kind words enough to will her to stop.

§

Three weeks after the wedding Loki was summoned by his mother.

“You were injured.” Mother told him flatly. 

He was still injured; the faintest tinges went up through his legs as he walked, from both the burn scars on his feet and the cuts on his inner thighs that rubbed as he moved. But Eir and Vör had done well, and they hardly bothered him. 

“Not fatally so. I did not think it would be worth concerning you when you had an occasion for joy.” He could not bear the idea of her missing the opportunity even if he could not share it. 

“Did not think it would be worth concerning me over?” She said angrily, “You are my son! Of course I want to know if you have been injured!”

Loki’s irrationalities rose to the surface, “But I am _not_ your son!” He shouted, “I have never been and now all of Asgard knows it! No matter that I want to be! You deserved to spend time solely with your true son and not worry or care about the false one. You lower your standing every time you call on me.” It was a painful fact of Loki’s existence. He wanted his mother to not be harmed by her continued association with him. And he didn't want her to stop, which was so very selfish of him, but he couldn't bring himself to regret it. 

“Why would I not want to know of your injuries?” She replied, aghast. 

“Because I am a Frost Giant. Because I killed innocent people. Because I caused the death of children. Because I did it willingly enough.”

“Loki…” she whispered, and he knew that he had disappointed her despite the fact he tried not to, that his existence helped to disappoint her. 

“Mother. Mother, I am so sorry.” He drew in a shaky breath, “I am sorry for the grievances I have caused you. I am sorry I could not be the son you deserve.” He stood and she followed suit. 

“Do not apologize to me.” She wrapped her arms around him and Loki hated that he desired this comfort, like a small, wretched child, “Shh. It will be okay.”

She held him for what felt like forever and Loki wanted to stay in her embrace but he couldn't. When he withdrew, she asked, “Why were you injured?”

“They thought I tried to escape.” Loki said slowly, not willing to say he had run off without permission, whether it was to comfort a child or not. 

“Were you attempting an escape?” She questioned. 

“No.”

“Then what were you doing?”

Loki smiled, false mirth in his voice, “Testing my boundaries.”

She accepted his lie even though Loki was certain Eir had informed her.

§

Loki was called before the All-Father completely, entirely expecting his sentence to be lengthened. He wore the same chains he had the first day, complete with a collar that rankled his nerves.

He went off without telling anyone about it. He ran. Despite the fact he was punished accordingly, he would still be further punished for the infraction.

§

The hall was full but not bursting, as it had been for his first trial. All the people who were in attendance looked to be of noble blood and Loki recognized many of them. This trial was on much shorter notice than the first, which would explain the difference.

The chains around his wrists and ankles felt heavier than they had before, and the collar irritated his throat. 

“Loki Laufeyson, you have spent one century in Asgard’s prisons.”

Loki blinked. Surely it had not been that long. 

“In the past few months, it has been brought to my attention that you have been changed since your incarceration.”

Loki felt the same. He could not think of anyone who would vouch for him having had changed (other than his mother but relatives weren't allowed to testify in court, _except you're not her son_ whispered a voice inside him and no matter that Loki wished to quash it it remained). 

“Have I?” Loki asked, not even having to feign his confusion. 

Odin didn't directly reply to him, “The prison healer, Vör, and the lead healer in Asgard, Eir, have informed me that you circumvented your assigned task to prepare for the Royal wedding and instead attempted to comfort a child.”

Loki of old would have done that too. 

“Furthermore, I have asked the former prison guard, Forseti,” so _that_ was his name, “How he would feel if the one who maimed him was set free. He informed me that his finances have been taken care of, that if he did not wish to, he need not work another day in his life. Would you know anything about that arrangement?”

Loki smiled, “I am certain that the Queen made whatever reparations she needed to in order to make up for her false son’s actions. For this I am certain Forseti is grateful.”

“Tell the truth.” Odin ordered, and the spells in the room changed. 

Without conscious thought he started to speak, “I begged Mother to help him, to spend whatever she may have planned to use on me to make his life easier.” Loki fought a flush working to his face, the confession that he begged humiliating him. 

“Why? The truth again.” Odin’s bored expression made something churn in Loki’s stomach. 

“Because I remember what monster’s do, the old soldiers who were frost touched. They are disfigured. I did not wish for him to live in squalor because of me.” The confession was ripped out of him and he heard the murmurs in the crowd. 

“The Council will decide on your adjusted sentence. You are dismissed.”

Loki felt a tug on his neck and, refusing to be completely humiliated, walked out of his own accord, the guards trying to drag him.

§

He sat in his cell for days, his entire being shifting with energy.

He caused a small explosion or two, much to the annoyance of the guards, to help burn it off. 

He missed Stark.

§

When he was called back into the trial hall his nerves were on edge. From the way the All Father had asked his questions, it seemed as though he was trying to make the Council believe that his sentence should be shortened.

He had begun to hope, and Loki knew that was a dangerous thing for someone in his position to do.

The hall was crammed, all the nobles in Asgard and some from the surrounding countryside sitting near the front, the men who worked in crafts taking up the area closest to the door, and farthest from the All Father.

Loki smiled as he entered, unwilling to let the vultures here see his unease.

“Loki Laufeyson.” Odin began.

“Present and accounted for.” Loki said, nodding his head as respectfully as he could. Because he wanted nothing more than his freedom and if it involved playing the respectful sheep Loki was going to do it.

“Laufeyson, you have changed since the first time you were in my courtroom. You are calmer and place more care in your actions than I daresay you ever have. You allow the thought of others to enter your mind and you act in their best interest. You have served the mages of Asgard in the past century and a half without causing many unnecessary problems.

“Because of these actions, the Council has decided to change the end date of your sentence. What was once an undetermined date has now been decided: fifty years from now, on the same day you were placed in prison, you will be released. If you like, you may reoccupy your quarters on the grounds, but if you so choose, you may live elsewhere, the realms, other than Jӧtunheimr, are all open to you. If you leave the palace, you will be attached to a bracelet that prevents your magic from committing acts of cruelty and has the added benefit of allowing Heimdall to find you easier, so that you do not cause an,” the All Father paused, “undue amount of mischief that cannot be reprimanded. You will not regain your Aesir skin until the Council believes that you have be permanently changed for the better.

“Do you understand?” the older man finished.

“Yes.” Loki was astonished and it showed in his voice. Fifty years? Half a century? That was nothing. That was _nothing_ compared to his lifespan. He could survive fifty more years in Asgard’s prisons, then move to Midgard, where, maybe, James was not yet dead.

“Loki Laufeyson, do you accept the change in your sentence?”

“Yes, All Father.” The title rolled off his tongue like it had for a millennium before he ruined everything.

“You are dismissed.”

§

**Author's Note:**

> Some iffy stuff that's contained in the story:
> 
> As in the previous installments of this series, Loki is intersex, meaning that he has a vagina and all the things that accompany it; including a menstrual cycle.
> 
> Throughout the entire story, Loki is utterly terrified that this is going to be discovered and he will be raped. NOTHING actually does, other than some embarrassment. If this bothers you, I do not recommend that you read this.
> 
> Loki is also tortured by the guards twice. The first is really non-graphic and it's after the second nightmare, and the second is in bold, and it contains much more detail along. Again, NOTHING non-con/dub-con actually occurs, but the thought is still there.
> 
>  
> 
> This story ends differently than the last to, in this he doesn't regain his Aesir form, and that's mostly because I found a good end part and I didn't think I could write any more stuff about Loki's prison life that I hadn't thought of before. I even ran out of things for Loki to do with the other mages.
> 
> I'm pretty happy with how it ended, but if I ever get the motivation to write the next fifty years, it'll be added as a chapter two. :)
> 
> You can find me at wintersoldger.tumblr.com


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